Cervical Cancer Stage 3B - Radiation begins... Radioactive Red

Well, here I am again, sat staring at my laptop screen for the 100th time, trying to start blog number 4 in my cervical cancer survivor series. The first three blogs (taleofateallady.blogspot.co.uk) came quite easily but I don't know how to begin with this one, I keep starting and stopping and changing as I don't want to miss anything out. I'm scared that I will miss something that can help someone but I will do my best...

As you may already know, my first 3 blogs told the story of how I was diagnosed with stage 3B Cervical Cancer at just 28. They gave details of the symptoms that lead to my diagnosis, how the cancer was found, information on what happened before starting treatment, my friends/family and all the feelings that went with it.

This blog will tell the tale of the radiation part of chemoradiatiom. And once again, I will start where my last blog finished...

I was a 28 year old mother with awesome friends and family but I had stage 3B Cervical Cancer. I was on lots of medication to help my current symptoms of bleeding and pain, I was getting skinny and was always sleepy. I had been scanned, prodded, poked, tattooed and all that was left was to start the actual treatment and I just wanted to get it over with. I was soon to be having 25 weeks of Chemoradiation. I had been told what would happen, been given time scales and leaflets, had met all the doctors and scary machines but I still didn't really understand what was going to happen. 

Thursday, 28th April 2016 - 10:18AM - St. James Hospital Leeds - Treatment Day

I laid awake in bed at 5AM that morning feeling very nervous. I was in a lot of pain but that had become my new normal and I was ready to get the actual treatment started. I remember thinking, 'finally! No more 'prep'! Time to kick the cancer out!'. It felt like forever since my diagnosis and it was time to fight back.

As ready as I was, I felt like I was in a bubble, just floating around going through the motions. I knew that today would be the start of saving my life but I was scared. I washed, tried to eat but was still struggling and then got dressed into a loose fitting, long dress - one of my many leaflets advised dressing comfortably. I had learnt that my usual jeans and tights made my pain much worse. Then I put on my armour (make up and smile) and woke my son up for school. 

I knew I would beat the cancer and felt ready to fight but being around my son was so hard, I couldn't help but think about him loosing his mum. He knew it was treatment day and I think, like me, he was ready for it all to get started. We joked and laughed as he got ready for the day, he even wished me luck. Then he told me he loved me and went to school and I burst. I cried harder than I had in... well ever. The thought of ever leaving my son broke me. Spending time with him was both amazing and heart breaking at the same time. I wanted him to see me being strong and fighting. Yet every time I looked at him, all my fears came back, the thought of leaving him, of him having to grow up without me was worse than any pain that the cancer gave me. Even now, just thinking about how it felt, I'm in tears.

But I never let him see that side of things. I wanted him to see me being strong and fighting, fighting for him and it was finally time. I got ready for my first of many drives to St James in Leeds.

At 8:45AM it was time to set off. My partner Joe was driving and my Emily was coming along with us. It had been made very clear to me that I wouldn't be doing any of this alone but even knowing this, the drive was awful. Being in the car just made my aching worse which made me grumpy. I was irritated easily and I just sat there in silence sulking with the occasional shout. I didn't know how I was supposed to feel. Emily and Joe were both great, they ignored me when I grumped and carried on chatting to me as if I was the happiest person in the car, they treated me as they always had and that was exactly what I needed. 

We got to the hospital 20 minutes early and headed to the radiation department. Emily had mastered the layout so it took us no time to get to the reception desk. I gave them my name and was told that I would be called soon and to take a seat and get comfy. By the time we got to the seat I was feeling even more nervous and Joe and Emily knew it. They chatted on about anything and everything, I don't think I registered any of it. I know we got the cards out but I couldn't tell you what we played or who won. I just waited, once again going through the motions - 'smile, cards, wait, smile, cards, wait, I'm fine.' Then, a young lady with a very kind face said my name. I froze. I just stared at her. Emily stood up and took my arm and I let her lead me to the lady. She introduced herself and Emily introduced me and then I woke up. It was time to be brave, to be positive and do what needed to be done. I put my smile back in place, introduced myself and felt myself getting a bit giddy. It was probably the nerves but I felt hyper, almost excited.

Joe, Emily and myself were taken to the radiation room where we met the radiographers or the 'Rad Girls', as I like to call them. These girls, not that i knew this at the time, were going to be a huge part of my life, they would see my five days a week and the radiation part of my treatment was entirely in their hands. And they were lovely. They made us feels so comfy and answered any questions we had. They didn't even object to my picture taking obsession. I wanted a record of everything an they understood completely.

We were told that they would start by checking my measurements and tattoos to make sure the radiation would go exactly where they wanted it to. They didn't want to 'zapp' me anywhere except where the cancer was. I laid in the machine and was pretty shocked by the view, it was like a circle mirror with stickers around it. That was when I was informed that, due to my size, I would be using the machine meant for children. They told me of how positive and brave all the kids are. I was speechless. I was so thankful to hear about all the children that this machine, my machine, had saved and I summoned my Emily for a quick photo op. This is the view I had when in the radiation machine, well before it circled my bed in order to direct the radiation. From the moment this picture was taken, I decided I was going to do my best to be as brave and as positive as I could.

They had me lined up and ready within five minutes and then it was time for Joe and Emily to leave, they told me that during the actual treatment I would be alone in the room. It was to dangerous for others to be in with me but they could still see and hear me, so there was nothing to worry about. The radiation machine now had a programme designed just for me. This programme lined the radiation beam through my tattoos and to the cancer on my cervix. Unfortunately, the radiation beam would have to pass through other parts of my body as well. Meaning that the radiation would not only kill the bad cells but the good ones could be damaged as well, hence the reason get sick during treatment. The actual treatment itself would be quick and pain free.

I was gowned up and placed back on the bed within the radiation machine and I smiled up at the mirror. Time to kick cancers arse. Before the rad girls left, they let me put my iTunes on and it really made such a difference. Helped me relax. Then everyone left and the machine started up. The mirror moved and rotated around me, I stayed stock still. I watched the machine start the process of saving my life and it was amazing. I felt no pain, other than the usual that is, but none caused by the machine. I felt myself feeling sleepy but that's all. I closed my eyes, listened to my music and silently cried with relief... so far so good... it lasted no longer than five minutes. And that was the first treatment done. I'm relieved to say it was easier than I thought. I could do this but it was still only day one! We headed back to the car and I slept all the way home. The next day was identical. And that was my radiation life, five days a week for 25 weeks, I was driven to Leeds, gowned up and zapped and then sent back home. Then it was my first weekend of treatment, I was feeling very positive. I'd had radiotherapy twice and it didn't seem to bad. None of my symptoms got better but I hadn't got worse.

I continued with my routine, daily visits to Leeds. Each trip virtually identical. Get up, get dressed, drive to Leeds, play cards, wait, gown up, lay in the radiation machine, chat to the amazing rad girls, get dressed and then drive home. I felt different everyday, some days I would be sleepy and grumpy, other days I was hyper and excited. I was in pain constantly and could barely move half the time, I did the same thing 5 days a week, yet every day felt different. The only breaks I got from my radiation was at the weekends, during this time, I was mainly in bed surrounded by my gang of heroes. My friend, family, partner and son were there for me everyday. They watched me suffer daily, let me cry, shout and laugh when I wanted and they never left me. I learnt who love me and who the important people to me were.

I found the radiation side of treatment pretty easy which is why I want to end this blog here. I haven't gone into detail about the chemo or brachy therapy yet but hopefully you will keep an eye out for my next blog where I will reveal the rest..